Bad dream
Can’t sleep. This has never happened to me before. And for the first time since I was truly a child, my sister wasn’t here to listen to me, asking for help. First time I’ve had to deal with it on my own.
Music has helped. Crying has helped. I wish someone was up at this hour to listen to me rant, but it’s only 5:45. Couldn’t ask for that.
I hear my dad groaning in the room next to me. It reminds me of my dream.
Suddenly, I don’t want to be here anymore.
I don’t know what’s going on
I just suddenly stopped caring. About everything around me, about my friends, about people in general. Don’t get me wrong, I care for humanity, but socializing is no longer important to me. Talking to my friends on aim is no longer important. Trying to hang out with them because I never see them any more is just not important. I don’t care. When I try talking to you on aim, I feel nothing. You respond every 5 minutes with some stupid response, and I have no idea what to say. “Okay,” “haha,” “sure” and “yeah,” is what first comes to mind, but nothing with depth, nothing I would share with someone I really care about. We used to talk more. I used to say whatever random thought came to mind, but that’s slowly coming to an end. It’s not the same. I’d rather be alone now. I’d rather read a book the entire day, or walk through the neighborhood by myself, or drive along the roads and just contemplate. And the thought actually saddens me. That I don’t need you or anyone else anymore. I went through one of the toughest phases of my life just a couple months ago, when I relied heavily on the interaction with my closest friends. And now… I just don’t need it. I’m so over it. I’m so over trying too hard to stay in contact or to hang out just to have you bail on me. So over the disappointment that comes with trying. I’m so tired of people nowadays but I’m so content with hanging out with my cousin or talking to my parents or emailing my brother and sister or being by myself or knowing that I’m okay when I’m alone and that I don’t have to worry about everyone else. And maybe it’s better off that I read more often than live my own life. Maybe it’ll give me hope that life is better than what I make of it, because honestly, I just don’t give a damn.
So done with everything
I’m ready to leave everything behind and just start over, very very far away from here. And I literally mean everything. Nothing matters anymore.
I don’t know
what I’m supposed to do to fix things. I feel like they’re expecting me to show up with some super power that can just solve everything, that I can make things better. But, what the hell, it pisses me off too much to be able to do or say anything. I wish I could say something that would make everything easier, but she wouldn’t listen. She’s too damn stubborn and she’s too much of a pessimist to take anything I say in the right way. He won’t do anything to help. They aren’t even home two times a year. So I’m the only one that can listen to her rant on about how she feels she’s trapped, that her home is a jail, that she’s a prisoner, that she’s going to die soon. Why the hell. It doesn’t make things better. I feel helpless listening to these things. What the hell can I do?
Glorious day!
Hot summer day. Oh hot summer day. I hate the heat, but it makes me want to go to the beach even more! BEACH BEACH, WHEN WILL I VISIT YOU?
I went to Jessica’s talent show today, the little 3rd grader I tutor, and her older 6th grade sister was there too. I tutor both of them. She was so cute. She and her friends danced to Thriller. SO cute. And some boy sang and danced to I Want You Back by Michael Jackson and he was freakin adorable and freakin good.
Didn’t get home until 8! And then my dad attacked me with, “Set up the new Internet router! Make it work please. Connect it to our computer, blah blah.” I was like, Uh. Okay… uh, sure. IT TOOK AN HOUR for it to.. NOT work. Thanks. So I called my Cable company to ask for information to set up the router and they couldn’t help. Had to also call Belkin, the router company. Took another 30 minutes with them before I got the internet to work for my mac and then for there to be wireless internet on the PC. AND AND now I FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY have WiFi, so I can go on the Internet on my iTouch. FINALLYYYYYYYYY. My iTouch is worth something. I’m so glad I got it to work again (Apple has yet to fail me).
It’s 9:39, and I haven’t gotten to watch my daily dosage of Criminal Minds. I haven’t been able to procrastinate (that’ll take more time out of the night) and I haven’t been able to relax. Long night ahead of me? Maybe, but I’m satisfied. I also will probably end up “taking a nap.” I won’t wake up until 7:10, where I start freaking out, cause I’m late and haven’t done any homework.
Win.
Technology
I am obsessed with technology. I really want a new iPod. My iTouch is being freakin retarded. It just freezes all the time and when I tried to restore it, it froze even more. It now won’t respond to anything I do. Freakin retarded piece of poo. I also want a netbook, just so because it’s portable. But, once I upgrade to a netbook, why not just get a Macbook?! It’s so pertty. The iPad is also delicious-looking. I want to drool every single time I see such beautiful pieces of technology. Oh how I wish I could just own one of these myself!
WHERE IS THE MOOLAH?!
